God is a Game Changer

So . . . about those goals.

God had some different plans--some stuff I'll have to write more about later and one very exciting networking connection which landed me a chance to pitch my book in person to a major publisher . . . next week.  SO, there has been no painting, no sewing, and lots more writing of the book I didn't plan to have in reviewable (is that a word?) shape until next summer.

I have also been working on school prep and keeping up with my busy son and his creative (read: mostly destructive) imagination.  I HAVE found more time for spiritual reading and reflection--necessary components to my writing and also (more importantly) to my vocation.  That has been glorious.  I have even been praying the rosary again, even if it's often in pieces.  For some reason, the rosary is always my first devotion to go when I'm weak and my first to return to when I'm desperate.  Poor Mary; I'm glad she's so merciful.  I treat her just like a kid treats his mom--a few choice moments are precious and shared, and then mom might as well be chopped liver except when there is a crisis and the kid remembers the person who is always there for them.


God has really really blessed me this summer.  Some days, He blesses me (like today) by withholding pit-hour for some mysterious reason.  Others, He "blesses" me with sufferings and a lack of energy that help me see how generous and wonderful my husband is.

God is a game changer.  He appreciates that we make plans, and then He adjusts them as needed.  I'm not complaining.  :)

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Patience and Productivity

Last night, my little one cried for two hours before falling to sleep.  A combination of stuffy nose and teething probably had something to do with it, but no combination of singing, rocking, teething gel, patting, soothing words, prayers, etc. seemed to help him.  On nights like that, I have to remind myself that patience is a choice.  There is a concrete moment (or several points) at which one must step back, consciously relax every wound up muscle in my body, entrust him to God's care and the comfort of his angel, and wait. . . . I'm not very good at waiting.

God can give me that peace in the midst of life daily frustrations.  I know that inside.  But sometimes I think His form of help is to wait with me, rather than to fix the situation, which is often what I would rather him to do.

Last night, I was reminded how beautifully my husband reflects that compassion (etymologically, that "suffering with or alongside") that Christ offers us.  As we lay in bed between visits to Rip van Winkle's antipode, my husband reached over and held my hand for a while.  I know he wasn't feeling very peaceful himself, but that one little gesture of affection and solidarity made the whole situation bearable.  Men, it really is the little things that count, the little things that help get your wives one step closer toward sainthood.

Perhaps in the areas of housework and homework, those were a wasted two hours.  But in the school of love, moments like that can be the most valuable hours of all . . . if used well.  God help me.

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Do You Trust Me?

We're the only people I know who have two pictures in our living room of people falling down.  But I think that our instinctive attraction to those two pictures communicates something that we value in our lives--Trust.

The first picture is Caravaggio's "Conversion of St. Paul."  The other is "St. Francis of Assisi in Ecstasy" by the same.  The picture of St. Paul depicts God's direct intervention in his life to change his course and call him to a mission of service and suffering.  St. Francis had already been radically faithful to God when he received his stigmata, but his encounter with God was a blessing and an affirmation (if a painful one) of Francis' dedication to the Cross of Christ.

Look at their faces.  And look at their hands.

They are peaceful.  They are receptive.

Both of them only desired to know, love, and serve God.  A moment that may seem terrifying to us--getting thrown off your horse, blinded, and told all your life's work was bosh or getting pierced with perpetual wounds on your hands and feet after a life of voluntary asceticism--was a privileged encounter to them.

Look at their companions.  The peace that Christ gives when you trust Him is beyond the world's understanding.  Paul's companion is shocked and unable to aid his master.  The angel, on the other hand, supports Francis gently and gazes at him almost with envy, certainly with understanding, that this mere mortal has been allowed to participate in a unique way in Christ's loving sacrifice.

Perhaps these paintings appealed to us because they are a reminder of what we too may and must do.  We may trust God because He has "first loved us, and gave His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins;" we must trust God because no one else is fully trustworthy.

God's call to radical change and to deeper acceptance of His will for us is usually neither expected nor accepted peacefully, especially when we don't see the logic behind His promptings.  Edith Stein once said that God often cleverly disguises His will for us in illness and difficulty.  When His offers us His gift of freedom, we fight His lead and chomp at the bit like a horse who is being led out of a burning building.  We struggle to trust.  We refuse to listen and we muffle His voice with the typing of keys, the hum of meaningless conversations, and the chatter of radio, tv, and music.

Personally, I always hated those "fall back and trust the person behind you to catch you" games.  Perhaps I had been dropped about ten too many times teaching guys to dance.  Perhaps I'm just too blasted stubborn and independent.  Yet, my relationship with my husband more than anyone has taught me that people are worthy of trust.  My relationship with God has proven that trust in something even more immovable than my husband's love and care is necessary to a peaceful and happy life.

I still don't like falling backwards, even into God's embrace.  I'd rather have Him tell me His plans and then we can shake on it.  But He insists on me, like Paul & Francis, falling backwards into His arms.  My Lord doesn't do this for His own amusement; He does it because he knows that when I can fully trust Him, I will be most free of worry from the past, of the present, and for the future.  He knows that the more my husband and I grow in trust of Him, the more we will trust in and rely on each other, rather than turning inward for solace when things get difficult.

My prayer for each of you this New Year is that you will fall into His arms.  Trust Him to change you, deepen you, and transform your whole way of looking at the world.  He loves you unconditionally.  His only question for you this year is, "Do you trust me?"

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Simplicity

Some days I have to remind myself to un-complicate life.  My emotions, my desires, my piles of paper, my plans . . . all these things can get very complicated.  The result is that I get frustrated and feel helpless and stupid (the two ways I least like to feel).

I also tend to misdiagnose myself.  For example: "I wish I didn't have so much to do" often should be translated, "I overestimated my ability to accomplish inhuman amounts of projects this week.  I need to make more modest goals," OR "I was a lazy bum and didn't do my work when James was asleep."

My ways to un-complicate life:
1st--Pray.  I can guarantee that if I'm stressed, it has something to do with my prayer life being on cruise-control or m.i.a.
2nd--Make a List.  Then, make a more reasonable one (or just use a highlighter) to mark what I can actually do today.
3rd--Add Beauty.  Beautiful things calm me down . . . a quiet moment with my husband, a cup of tea, classical music in the background as I work, a conversation with my sister on the phone while I conquer those pesky proliferating dirty dishes, or a simple arrangement of flowers that makes me want to clear off the family desk dining room table so I can showcase them better.

Funny how the best therapy is much cheaper than a professional massage or fancy vacation (though those can be lovely too).  Sometimes the best remedy for a stressful, busy life is to just decide to make it simpler.

What do you do to simplify your life?

Pic: Some of my very first flowers that I've ever successfully grown . . . in my husband's cool-shaped beer bottle (b/c my bud vase went eternally missing during one of my moves.)  Can you tell I'm proud of my gardening adventures?!

Does This Make Me Look Fat?

I was talking to my husband again last night about how frustrated I get with myself when I start obsessing over what other people think of me.  My mental publicity director starts wondering, "What will my student think of me after seeing me out and about with no make-up in a t-shirt and shorts?"  "What will that friend think of my e-mail I sent?"  "What did that person think of the conversation we just had; did I sound stupid?"  "What did my mom and dad think of my parenting of my son last week?  Did I look like a good mom?"

I'm ok with knowing that I have faults as well as talents and virtues.  [The being ok with having faults piece took quite a few years of prayer . . . ]  Now, I just have to be ok with the idea that other people may think I have faults too.  That's not so easy.  I like to be liked.  I like to be looked up to.  I prefer not to have awkward moments or to be embarrassed by my actions, words, or omissions.

Some of that sensitivity to the thoughts of others is fine--we live in community and should be considerate of those around us.  I should not sing nursery rhymes at the top of my lungs in the grocery aisle in the full confidence that I'm "being true to myself."  Courtesy is itself a virtue.  However, my personal publicity director is not virtuous.  That's one of those curses from the Fall; Eve and her female progeny are never sure that they won't be judged and objectified by others.  They struggle with not defensively judging others in turn.

I must constantly remind myself that I am loved.  God loves me infinitely; my husband loves me much more than I could ever deserve on my own merits.  My family and friends love me despite my faults.  James loves me totally in his own way--though that may also have something to do with milk.  :)

If you too struggle, read this.  Max Lucado's "You Are Special" is of my favorite stories about shedding the worries of self-doubt and relying on God instead.

Image: http://www.harrybliss.com/store/images/me_look_fat.jpg

7 Habits of a Happy Marriage

This is a GREAT article.  Read it . . . all of it . . . don't skim read.  And then think about how you can apply each habit more deeply to your life and your marriage.  Don't you dare say, "I've got that one down already," because we can all grow in more perfectly loving our spouse.  (If you truly do have one or all of these down perfectly, come hang out with me and maybe it will rub off).

Image: http://moncafevert.com/img/man_woman_coffee.jpg

Sacred Heart Novena: Start Today!

Here's a beautiful novena to say for your family every day for 9 days leading up to the Feast of the Sacred Heart.  Start tonight!
Padre Pio used to say this prayer every day for those whom he promised to pray for.

Say this part every day:

Efficacious Novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus

I. O my Jesus, you have said: "Truly I say to you, ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened to you." Behold I knock, I seek and ask for the grace of...... (here name your request)
Our Father....Hail Mary....Glory Be to the Father....Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you.

II. O my Jesus, you have said: "Truly I say to you, if you ask anything of the Father in my name, he will give it to you." Behold, in your name, I ask the Father for the grace of.......(here name your request) Our Father...Hail Mary....Glory Be To the Father....Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you.

III. O my Jesus, you have said: "Truly I say to you, heaven and earth will pass away but my words will not pass away." Encouraged by your infallible words I now ask for the grace of.....(here name your request) Our Father....Hail Mary....Glory Be to the Father...Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you.

O Sacred Heart of Jesus, for whom it is impossible not to have compassion on the afflicted, have pity on us miserable sinners and grant us the grace which we ask of you, through the Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, your tender Mother and ours.
Say the Hail, Holy Queen and add: St. Joseph, foster father of Jesus, pray for us.
-- by St. Margaret Mary Alacoque

You may add this part on the Feast of the Sacred Heart:

Consecration of Our Marriage to the Sacred Heart of Jesus Through the Immaculate Heart of Mary

"Oh, Immaculate Heart of Mary, sure refuge of sinners and firm anchor of salvation, to you do we wish to consecrate today our marriage. In these times of great spiritual battle, of struggle between authentic family values and a worldly mentality of permissiveness, we ask you, our Mother and Teacher, to show us the way of true love, of commitment, of fidelity, of sacrifice and of service. By consecrating ourselves to you today, we beseech you to receive us into your Heart, to cover us with your Pure Mantel, to keep us in your maternal arms and to lead us on the sure path to the Sacred Heart of your Son, Jesus Christ.

You who are the Mother of Christ, we ask you to form and mold us so that we can both be living images of Jesus in our marriage, in our family, in the Church and in the world.

You who are Virgin and Mother, pour upon us and upon our marriage, the spirit of purity of heart, of mind and of body.

You who are our Spiritual Mother, help us to grow in the life of grace and of holiness. Do not permit us to fall into mortal sin nor to waste or misuse the graces won for us by your Son on the Cross.

You who are the Teacher of Souls, teach us to be docile like you. May we receive with obedience and gratefulness the Truth revealed by Christ in His Word and in the Church.

You who are the Mediatrix of all graces, be the Pure channel through which we receive in our lives and in our marriage, the graces of conversion, of love, of peace, of communication, of unity and of comprehension.

You who are the Intercessor before you Son, keep your merciful gaze upon us and upon our marriage. Draw close to your son imploring from Him, as You did in Cana, for the miracle of wine which we may lack.

You who are the Coredemtrix, teach us to be faithful to each other in moments of suffering and of cross. In times of trail, may we not seek our own well-being but rather the good of the other, remaining ever faithful to the commitment which we have received from God. May we always live these moments of sacrifice and struggle united to your Crucified Son.

In virtue of the union of the Immaculate Heart of Mary with the Sacred Heart of Christ, we pray that our marriage may be strengthen in unity, in love, in responsibility to our duties and in the generous self-offering of one to the other and to the children we will receive from Our Lord. May our home be a domestic sanctuary where we pray together and where we communicate with each other with joy and enthusiasm. May our marriage be for others, a visible sign of love and fidelity. We beseech you O Mother, in virtue of this consecration, that our marriage may be protected from all spiritual, physical or material evil. May your Immaculate Heart reign in our home so that Jesus Christ may be loved, heard and obeyed in our family. Sustained by His love and His grace, may we dispose ourselves to construct daily, the civilization of love: the Reign of the Two Hearts. Amen.

Consecration of the Family to the Sacred Heart of Jesus

Sacred Heart of Jesus, You made clear to Saint Margaret Mary Your desire of being King in Christian families. We today wish to proclaim Your most complete kingly dominion over our own family. We want to live in the future with Your life. We want to cause to flourish in our midst those virtues to which You have promised peace here below. We want to banish far from us the spirit of the world which You have cursed. You shall be King over our minds in the simplicity of our faith, and over our hearts by the wholehearted love with which they shall burn for You, the flame of which we will keep alive by the frequent reception of Your divine Eucharist. Be so kind, O divine Heart, as to preside over our assemblings, to bless our enterprises, both spiritual and temporal, to dispel our cares, to sanctify our joys, and to alleviate our sufferings. If ever one or other of us should have the misfortune to afflict You, remind him, O Heart of Jesus, that You are good and merciful to the penitent sinner. And when the hour of separation strikes, when death shall come to cast mourning into our midst, we will all, both those who go and those who stay, be submissive to Your eternal decrees. We shall console ourselves with the thought that a day will come when the entire family, reunited in heaven, can sing forever Your glories and Your mercies. May the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the glorious patriarch Saint Joseph present this consecration to You, and keep it in our minds all the days of our life. All glory to the Heart of Jesus, our King and our Father!

Image: http://consecratedtomary.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/sacred-heart-of-jesus.gif

New Life

My garden is growing, new seeds are sprouting, and my rose bush bloomed for the first time this year!  I'm thrilled beyond words (well, almost beyond words . . . since I'm taking the time to type this so my husband doesn't have to put up with me dancing around the house chanting, "My rose has bloomed!" over and over like a 5 year old on her birthday).

There is something intoxicatingly wondrous about new life.  We prepared the soil, planted little sprouts, seeds, and seedlings with careful hands, and breathlessly waited for a sign of green.  This year, it's working.  Some TLC mixed with sunshine and God's touch has brought dry little seeds to verdant life.  In a funny way, I feel like a new mama again with all my little plant babies that need to be nourished and guided in their early weeks of life.

Last year, we began our garden too late, cut some corners, and probably didn't water enough.  Our garden returned the favor by offering a measly few peas and beans, a handful of tomatoes, one cucumber, three heads of lettuce, and a couple peppers.  Then, the deer decided to help themselves to about 1/3 of what did actually grow.  Not to be deterred (especially after watching my in-laws' garden become the Jurassic Park of vegetable smorgasbords), we resolved to be diligent this year and try again.

Because I have a tendency to infuse every little thing in my life with meaning, my little sprouts remind me of my larger life efforts to do good in this world.  My individual actions, like those seeds, seem too small and too weak to really have much of an effect on anything.  What good will one more load of laundry do today when I know 3 more await me?  What good is it to read one more book to my son instead of sticking him in "the farm" (his farm-themed excersaucer) while I try to return phone calls?  My actions, like my seeds, have a greater potential within them than I see at first glace.  My seeds are full of life and can produce fruits to bless my family.  My actions, if I am open to God's work in my life, can be opportunities for grace.  That laundry serves my husband's peace of mind because he doesn't have to search in the morning for a clean undershirt.  That book helps to develop my son's mind and serves to strengthen that loving bond between us.  Every good choice helps me to build good habits of virtue.

This analogy is not new; Christ used it multiple times.  But, I need to remind myself often that the seeds of Faith that He speaks of are not placed in my life just once, but daily.  My choice to be both the receptive soil and the careful gardener are also daily choices.

What are ways that you re-focus yourself on the importance of the little things in your daily life?

When I Grow Up . . .

I never thought I would be a full-time working teacher and mom.  As a very social child, it meant so much to me that my parents made the sacrifices necessary to let my mother stay at home with us for most of my growing-up years.  Then, I was (nearly simultaneously) blessed with a husband and a tiny life inside me, and we had to figure out both how to pay bills and be good parents.  My little boy now spends his days with Grandma and I teach during the day.  He's happy with Grandma exploring his little world; I'm at peace (though I miss him) and loving this time of year when I see my students make a maturity leap to prepare for the next grade level; and we all look forward to a day when we won't be quite so spread around.

Why do I write all of this?  Because if any of you are idealists, like me, I want to let you know that it's ok if your crystal dreams shatter.  They were only fragile because they were your dreams.   That is not to say that we should give up our ideals, just that we should give up our feeling of entitlement to some shimmery concept of an ideal life that doesn't contain tears or obstacles.

Today I discussed "priorities" with my students.  We talked about what happens when we think something is a priority (something valuable to us and worth dedicating time and effort towards because it adds to the goodness/happiness/peace of our lives) and discover that we can't achieve that which we desire.  I proposed that sometimes our goal is too narrow.  My desire is to spend nearly all my time with my family, but my husband must work (I can't try and prevent that!), and currently, I too must spend a few hours a day away from home.  My priority then must be to do what is best for my family and to invest deeply into those relationships in the time I have available to me.  That goal (like nearly any goal worth living and fighting for) is not achieved apart from some sacrifice.  Right now, that sacrifice is lending James to his loving Grandma to play with.  Later, it will be something else.  Like Matthew Kelly is fond of saying, one cannot say no to something that seems good without something deeper to say "yes" to.  It is because of a deeper "yes" that I can amend my goals and dreams and fix my gaze on the daily task at hand.

Holiness is a very "gritty" thing.  Living the authentically good life is not about merely thinking esoteric thoughts and writing down lofty goals.  It's about making real life decisions, not always knowing what you're getting into.  It's about blocking out the contentious voices of persuasion and discerning God's will in the gray areas.  It's about taking responsibility for your actions and having the humility to see when you've been wrong and when you've been right.  It's about realizing what's possible, and attempting what would be impossible but for the grace of God.

We come to a true crossroad in life only a few times, but we have many split paths to choose from.  Like Frost's "road less traveled," those small decisions to can make "all the difference."  I used to have this funny idea that I knew what my story would look like.  I would say that I wanted adventure, but what I really wanted was security and ease, plus a few pre-approved, unusual escapades.  However, God's map for my life has held more treasures in unexpected places than I ever would have found if I stuck to my rigid ideas of what I expected. 

I have discovered that freedom is not living the way you want, after all; it is the ability to detach from falsity and chimeras and to cast yourself with enthusiasm and faith into the hands of your Creator and thrive peacefully wherever He sees fit place you.

May you and I live in the present moment "gracefully," at peace in God's will.

Laughing at Myself

I've heard that the secret to improv comedy is to agree to things that normally one would not agree to.
Hey, Mark!  Let's go stand in the longest line at the grocery store with just one item.  Great idea, Joe!
As they go bouncing off to do the absurd, we either laugh or wonder if they've been reading too much Sartre.

I have a funny relationship with Predictability.  Usually, we get along just fine.  I like when I can predict that gravity will work again today and that the weatherman may be correct about the threat of a storm. 

However, sometimes I rebel against predictability.  On those days, I decide to drive the winding, unoccupied back roads, make a new recipe, and let my son chew happily on the cardboard box he discovered.

Then, just as I am reveling in doing totally unconventional things, God chooses to surprise me in His own way.  His surprises are usually a rather one-sided joke, and I'm not the one laughing.  I'm the one struggling to understand how my life got flipped upside-down and how my plans were put through the eternal shredding machine.  I temporarily protest, "I like unpredictability on my time in my own way, God.  Your surprises are stressful."  And He smiles knowingly, like a father who won't yet reveal the end of the bedtime story despite his daughter's pleading.

Sooner or later, (usually later, with my Bible on my lap) I remember that I have a Father who loves me infinitely, and that, after all, I certainly don't want to have a boring life.  I want my life to be an adventure, full of unexpected twists and turns.  The one who never dares anything, gains nothing.

In the front of my Bible, I have scribbled:  
Seek to see the extraordinary in the ordinary 
and the supernatural in the natural.
And once I adjust my focus to see beyond the hazy present, I can laugh.

I laugh at myself for failing to trust my Omnipotent Lover. 
I laugh at the world that tells me what is "expected" and "normal". 
And I laugh with the new-found joy in the divine comedy in which I, like an improv actor, must agree to the absurd and, in doing so, find my true calling and journey to heaven.

Divine Providence

Have you ever felt like sometimes it's almost better to have only one option rather than having to discern God's will amidst multiple options?  As we try to discern job decisions and financial options year to year, I often feel that way.

There's a joke about a guy who drowned sitting on the roof of his house in a flood.  He had refused a rescue boat and plane (and something else), saying that he was trusting God to rescue him.  When he died and went to heaven, he asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"  God replied that he had sent a boat and a plane, but the guy had ignored them.

Sometimes I wonder if God is asking that I blindly trust Him and forge ahead, or if He is offering me the boat and plane, and I'm just over-complicating things.

I always tell my students, "If you are honestly trying to discern God's will for you, I don't think He'll let you royally mess up.  He'll do something if you chose the wrong path to warn you or redirect you to the right path, as long as you continue to be open to His will."

Easy to say; easy to believe on a theoretical level; hard to live when it comes right down to it.

Jesus, I trust in You. 
[Now, please send me a postcard.]

A Timely Resolution [HPK #1.5]

I gave up being late for Lent.  Once upon a Wednesday, I was going to give up other things . . . easier things, and then God told me I was a coward.

I was re-reading The Hidden Power of Kindness, that lovely 200 page examination of conscience, and was struck (hard) by a statement that not having the charity towards others ALWAYS to be dependable and punctual was a sign of weakness of character.  Gosh, did I ever bristle!  The little, whimpering voices in my head said, "But that's not talking about me!  I'm on time more often than I'm late (51% counts as more often).  I want to be on time.  I have a 4 1/2 month old baby--God only knows (seriously) what could happen in the two minutes before we head out the door . . . "

And then I remembered another Lent, several years ago.  I had asked my roommate for a Lenten sacrifice suggestion.  She mentioned an idea and I instantly had a host of reasons why that was a bad idea.  She looked at me and said.  Listen to how much you are trying to find excuses not to do that.  Point taken.  I adopted her idea for that Lent.

Here I was, objecting again to something that I was "not guilty" of in the realm of imperfection.  I tried to picture myself adjusting everything in my pace of life so that I had plenty of room for the unexpected to happen.  I needed to create the space in my life to be on time.

And thus, my Lenten journey began.  I have only been late once (by two minutes), and I have experienced more peace in my relationships and commute.  Most importantly, this discipline makes me prioritize my activities.  Do I really need to check my e-mail right now?  Do I really need to spend this much time on my make-up?  Do I really need to prolong this shower?  Do I really need to brew coffee to go with breakfast today?

Matthew Kelly is fond of saying that in order to say "no" to anything appealing, we must have a deeper thing to which we say "yes."  My "yes!" this Lent is to peace, charity, and the important people in my life.  With that on the table, it makes my trivial amusements and delays and laziness seem like a very little thing to say "no" to.

Wedding Feast of Cana

Fr. Tighe gave a beautiful homily today reflecting on the sacredness of the Sacrament of Marriage.  I wanted to share some phrases that struck me in particular.

Mothers are the primary vocation directors within the Church.

What a blessing and a responsibility!  Which raises other thoughts in my mind . . . Is our vocations crisis today largely due to mothers failing in thier calling to foster and encourage religious vocations?  I can already see, from my few months with Baby James, how easy it would be for a mother to be selfish and to be afraid to face a life apart from thier precious boy or girl.  The idea that my boy could be called to be a priest in another country or in a monastery (or married and far from home) takes courage to face.  However, having seen the joy that can be found in discovering one's vocation, my deepest desire for my son is that he too will discover and follow God's plan for him.  My mother-in-law once wisely said that, in a sense, we raise our children (espeically boys) to give them away.  May God bless me with the needed detachment to love my son 110% and still to support him 110% in his pursuit of God's will.

When you have problems in your marriage it's because of sin, because of selfishness.  You deal with the sin, and your marriage will be repaired.

Too often, we see men and women (like Adam & Eve) pointing the finger of blame at a spouse.  It's his anoying habits, her credit card bill, his work, and her over-sensitivity . . . Rather, we should make a resolution to rid ourselves of the excuses covering the broken and dirty areas of our hearts.  Family prayer may be the glue that sticks a family together; frequent Confession and an honest examination of conscience is what cleans out the grit and grime so that "glue" can stick.  I'm incredibly blessed to be married to a faithful, loving, and godly man, but that doesn't mean that we too have not and will not reach obstacles that we need to work through together.

Jesus, help all married couples and parents to imitate your parents, Joseph & Mary, as they struggle to create a domestic church and lead each other to heaven.

Rites of Passage

Yesterday, I was speaking with my sister & mother-in-law about birth order and the importance of "milestones" as you grow up.  By milestones, I do not mean just "big years" like 16, 18, and 21--important because of state-mandated minimum ages for driving, smoking, voting, and drinking alcohol.  Rather, we spoke of individual rites of passage within the family: when the girls could wear make-up or go on a date, when the boys could shoot a gun or go on a special trip with dad, and when each child could begin to have a later bedtime.

It occurred to me that, in our "everyone is perfectly equal, non-discriminatory" culture, siblings (and only children) are not told to wait for much of anything.  Why should Susie get to go to sleep over at a friends' house when Mary can't just because Susie is two years older?  "That's not fair!" cry younger siblings and equal-opportunists everywhere.  But perhaps it's not only fair (with maturity comes greater trust and responsibility), but necessary.

I would propose that children who are not given milestones or "rites of passage" to look forward to within the family will seek out their own "big firsts" outside of the family.  Instead of understanding a gradation of privileges as they approach adulthood, they only see two options.  Either they are children who can do practically anything and get almost anything OR they are adults who always can do what they want and get what they want.  This dynamic may exist for spoiled children who are placated by their guilt-ridden working parents, and it may also be a warped mentality in a family that just failed to properly distinguish between the maturity levels of the children.  The result is that the children, seeking to be "adult," look for adult activities and pleasures.  Too too often this leads to early experimentation in sexually-focused relationships as well as a curiosity in drugs and alcohol.  They will look for something that is forbidden now but will mark an entrance into a more adult world when they achieve their goal.

Rites of passage are a richly cultural part of life.  Our Roman Catholic culture and tradition offers a gradation of Sacraments (especially within the Rites of Initiation) that are intended to reflect and augment the spiritual maturity of the individual.  Many successful organizations have employed the same technique (the scouts come to mind.)  Each family is called to be a domestic church and also a building block within the larger community.  Thus, each family should have, to some extent, their own culture, complete with these rites of passage and age or maturity based privileges and gifts.

Ideas:
*In my dad's large family when ge grew up, you had to be a certain age before you received your own bike.
*My sisters and I each eagerly anticipated our 12 year old weekend trip with mom (where we learned about the birds and the bees and received a beautiful chastity ring).
* My cousins and I each had special trips that we went on with our grandparents at ages 7, 10, & 12.  We would go to an historical/educational location like Colonial Williamsburg or Lancaster County, PA.
*We had certain ages in my family for when we could wear make-up, get our ears pierced, date, sleep-over, stay up later, start practicing driving, etc.

Please share your own ideas and traditions.  As I start my family, this is something I'd love to have in mind (both through delayed privileges and through unique experiences).

Being All Things To All Men

I remember struggling with that line from St. Paul (1 Cor 9:22) as I began my mission work with FOCUS several years ago.  How can one be "all things to all men" and still be authentically yourself?  There are some things I will just never be able to be or pretend to be--like an avid sports fan or video game addict.  The thing I initially struggled with most was relating to the language of the "typical" college student.  At Christendom, I had become used to a high level of common vocabulary filled with theological, philosophical, historical, and literary allusions and humor.  Then, God placed me in a beach town with kids who spoke mostly about tv, current movies, modern music, celebrity news, clothes, and coffee.  I couldn't relate.  With prayer, a slice or five of humble pie, and a "studied" attention to modern lingo (I'm a nerd), I developed my own way of speaking to modern culture.  Often, this required me to use casual analogies comparing spiritual realities with the material world, to not "shy away" from words like "sex" and "masturbation," and to re-word Biblical stories to reflect the language my students were used to hearing (apart from vulgarities).  My new rhetorical approach "worked"--I had people's attention and didn't feel intellectually arrogant.  However, I soon noticed a problem.

Shallow language can only communicate shallow ideas.  [Shallow language = that which is fully made up of vulgarities or the word "like" used in all grammatical positions or goofy chatter about materialistic concerns]  This is not to say, however, that only eloquent intellectuals can communicate about lofty theological principles.  Simple language can communicate truths--and deep truths at that.  I began to feel that intermixing too much "shallow" talk with a Christian message seemed to cheapen that which was communicated.  It was like trying to improve on a diamond's beauty by surrounding it with a setting of plastic gemstones.  I noticed a shift in my language and manner of communication after this minor epiphany, but I could never quite figure out why it rubbed to call "sex" by that common name, etc.

Dr. Alice von Hildebrand recently helped me to understand this discomfort I had been feeling.  She spoke of the importance of using exact and beautiful language when discussing sacred things.  Dr. von Hildebrand said that she is shocked to hear God referred to as "the big man upstairs" as if the God of the Universe is Joe from next door.  She emphatically stated that casual terminology like this is a reflection of the general loss of reverence for the sacred and the loss of respect for authority that we have in our everything-should-be-a-democracy culture.  I hope I never made this big of a blunder in my attempts at analogies, but she also mentioned the scandal that can result from attempts to "connect" to a modern audience with phrases like: John Paul II completed the sexual revolution begun by Hugh Hefner (actual phrase from a well-known apologist).  Some elements of modern culture are so "filthy" [I agree with her terminology regarding porn.] that they should not ever be related to anything beautiful and true in the spiritual realm.  She also applied this importance of reverent language to what she consistently calls the "intimate sphere."  Dr. von Hildebrand clarified, "Animals copulate but humans procreate.  Animals have sex but humans have the martial embrace."  We are not most like the animals in our reproductive abilities; we are most unlike the animals in this realm.  They merely reproduce, while we have a mutual affirmation of persons in a loving embrace that has the potential to be uniquely touched by God when the fruit of that love is blessed with a newly created soul.  Wow . . .

So, how then are we to "be all things to all men" and connect to a spiritually disconnected and apathetic culture?  Dr. von Hildebrand reminisced that her husband, Dietrich, often spoke of the "apostolate of being."  When you are not in a position to witness to someone effectively with your words, you witness to them with your life.  Eventually, if you are living a truly, authentic Christian life, they will see that you have peace and joy in the face of every blessing and obstacle in life.  Their curiosity will open doors for conversations that may not have been possible otherwise.  Then, when the opportunity arises, speak of He Whom you know and love, and speak of Him with reverence and with the beautiful language that ought to accompany profound truths.

Reflecting on her words, I think I understand that verse much better now.  One is authentically "all things" to others by being humble enough to empathize with them and exercise true charity.  It is by serving them in love that you gain a hearing for the Good News of Him who loved all and served those whom He led.  God doesn't need a gimmicky marketing department for his work upon earth.  He just needs authentic lovers to speak of Him and to teach others to love.  It is by responding to the cry of those who share our common human desire (a longing for love and truth) in humility and reverence for God and His creation that we can best be apostles like Paul.

Advent Aspirations

Try to step away from the commercial Christmas that began a week before Thanksgiving.  Ignore the hypnotic, strobe-style led lights and sale signs for two seconds . . . or four weeks.  Tomorrow begins Advent.  This is one of my favorite liturgical seasons.  It gives me a chance to reflect on the past year, make a resolution for how I will prepare my heart and mind for Christ's coming, and enjoy the time with friends and family that reflects the hospitality we wish to extend to the Christ Child.  How will you prepare for the real Christmas Season--the one that starts on December 25th?  Here are some things I have done on my own or with my family in the past:

*Make an Advent resolution (after all this is the liturgical New Year).  Decide on one thing to add to your daily routine to make Christ more concretely the center of your daily life.  This Advent, I'm going to return to 15-20 min. of daily spiritual reading.  I know that I'll have time to do it while nursing, so it's a manageable goal for me right now.

*Decorate a Jesse tree.  Make ornaments that reflect Biblical stories of the Old Testement that pre-figured the coming of Christ and/or involved his ancestors (from the line of Jesse).

*Go to an Advent penance service (or just normal confession hours).  As John the Baptist exhorted his followers, we must prepare the way of the Lord with a renunciation of sin.

*Listen to a performance or CD of Handel's "Messiah."  This was something my mom always did.  My friend and I continued the tradition by going to the Messiah sing-a-long at the Kennedy Center one year.  This piece of music is a beautiful, Scriptural reflection on the Incarnation and life of Christ.

*Set up your nativity set WITHOUT baby Jesus (he gets to arrive on Christmas).

*Make a "manger" for baby Jesus.  This can be any box or basket.  Put a pile of straw (or yellow felt strips) next to it.  Tell the family members that each time they do something to take initiative or to make a sacrifice (give up eating that piece of candy, doing dishes without complaining, cleaning up their room, etc.) they get to put one piece of straw in the crib for baby Jesus.  The goal is to make a soft bed for His arrival on Christmas.  Meanwhile, everyone is preparing their hearts for Him.  Wrap a baby doll in a blanket to be Baby Jesus and place him in the manger on Christmas.

*Light an Advent wreath each Sunday at dinner or daily with family night prayers.  My family would do this and sing an Advent song like "Come, O' Come Emmanuel."

*Celebrate the feast of Saint Nicholas on Dec. 6th.  It's a great opportunity to focus on gift-giving as an expression of generosity and care of those who are less fortunate.

*Pick a person off of the "angel-tree" or whatever your church community calls it.  Help someone who is less fortunate than you.

*Look up the Christian symbolism behind Christmas trees, candy-canes, evergreens, stars, etc.

*Use an Advent Calendar to count down the days.  I love the ones with Scripture verses written in them.

*Say the Christmas Novena--one of the most beautiful, simple prayers I've learned.  You say it 15 times each day from the feast of St. Andrew (Nov. 30th) until Christmas.  I used to think that was silly.  Now, I realize that (1) it shows my fervor for the intention of my novena and (2) by the 12th time I'm saying it or so I've stopped thinking about what we're going to buy Uncle Dan, how to make that fruit cake I had the other night, and when I need to put in the next load of laundry--NOW I'm focused on the words I'm saying.

Anyone have any other ideas or great family Advent traditions?

Poopy Diapers & Attitudes

I'm not perfect . . . there.  I said it.  Now I just have to repeat it to myself until I'm ok with the idea.  Some days the poopy diapers are only outnumbered by my poopy attitude.

As much as I love my son, I can't help looking at him on his fussy days and saying, "Lovey, I will dance with you, play with you, walk with you, snuggle with you, sleep with you, feed you, change you . . . pretty much anything, but if you continue to be so sad without an apparent cause I'm going to end up crying with you."  The transition from single life to marriage almost pales in comparison to the transition made when a woman becomes a mother.  On the "poopy attitude" days, being an at-home mom can feel isolating, being someone's primary source of comfort and nutrition can be draining and not terribly flattering (gotta love not getting a shower until lunch time & having your favorite blouse embellished by dried milk spit-up), and talking about all the textures "we're" touching and the sounds of animals can make me crave some higher-level intellectual dialog.  Most of all, I struggle with not feeling "productive."  I have lists of chores, piles of homework, and personal pampering things that are perpetually on the back burner.

Perhaps Mary is revered as the first of Christ's disciples because she was the first to understand God's perspective of our lives--a perspective that was revealed to her through her motherhood.  Mary seemed to be a simple pregnant girl who was probably only accepted by her fiance out of pity.  Yet, the extreme dignity of her supernatural vocation, though hidden, was the reality that defined her life and true identity.  This supernaturalization of the natural and simple is the icon Our Lord gave us to emulate.

From this perspective, the trials of my life become my greatest blessings.
*My temporary isolation at home during the day helps me to recognize the blessings of community and the loneliness of those who are not blessed with the friends and family that I have been given to assist me.  Christ also reminds me of my total dependence on Him when I realize my own strength is insufficient for my daily tasks.

*When I look in the mirror and don't see a magazine-perfect face and outfit smiling back, the Spirit reminds me that I have been called to share in a deeper understanding of Christ's words, "This is my body, given up for you."  The greatest moment of Christ's life and self-gift to us was far from an airbrushed magazine smile too.

*Though it may not impress an Oxford scholar, my simple conversation and interaction with my little one is providing the building blocks of language, the foundation for sensory development, and the fundamentals of moral perspective for him for the rest of his life.  Few teachers in a school can have that intimate and profound of an influence on their students.  If the God of the Universe spoke in parables so that we may learn, this high school teacher can manage to speak in a baby-babble and instructive monologue.

*As I re-center my world, I have to realize that the world's view of productivity is not what defines my life.  The immediate needs of my husband and son are much higher on the priority list than swapping out my summer dresses for my sweaters and winter pants.  My house isn't ready for an HGTV feature presentation to be filmed in it . . . so what?

To stretch a weak metaphor--the great thing about stinky diapers and attitudes is that they both can be changed.  God grant me the grace to keep your perspective of my life.  Help me to see the supernatural significance in the natural and sometimes frustrating elements of my daily life.

Household Heroism

Last weekend, a priest challenged me re-embrace my call to sainthood, the common vocation Catholics call the "universal call to holiness." But, he didn't call it that--he told me to be a daily hero in my home.

Sometimes I think it's easier to be a hero (or a saint) outside of the home, in the full view of all the people you want to impress. My mom always said, "You're not a saint until you're a saint at home." So true. So how is one a hero at home?

I must be a servant to those whom I love. In this I will be emulating Christ, who said the "last shall be first" and washed his disciples' travel-worn feet to seal this lesson in their hearts. Servant leadership is not just about doing what is necessary, but rather it requires the initiative to discover and fulfill both the necessary tasks as well as the hidden needs and desires of the people I am called to serve. A servant doesn't expect anyone to "owe" him anything or thank him for his work; he just does what he must and does it well.

I must sacrifice my comfort for the good of others--without complaining! (Not my specialty.) Moms are often the last to bed, last to eat, first to rise, first to respond to any domestic emergency, first to question the inner workings of the social dynamic in her home, and often the last to receive answers that satisfy her longing to understand those she loves. For years, I have watched my own mother waking at the crack of dawn to start her morning routine. No matter what else happened that day, I've always quietly admired her heroism for waking before the sun so that she is ready spiritually and physically for another day poured out in love for her family.

I must make sound and just judgments of the things I hear and see in order to develop my own mind, to help my husband decide a course of action for myself and my family, and to guide my children to truth. Mindlessly following parenting books doesn't cut it. My own beliefs and understanding of truth must be strong enough and consistent enough to help me make quick (and creative) decisions when the occasion arises. [Eg: Billy hits Mary, and suddenly, mom is the police, judge, jury, and doctor all at once. Who has time to ask "What would Dr. Dobson do?" Mom is lucky if she gets so far as praying for patience.]

Finally, I am called to have unflagging dedication to a worthy cause, namely, my family. My husband and new son must define the "theme" for each moment of my life. [See Alice vonHildebrand's By Love Refined: Letters to a Young Bride for a beautiful reflection on that concept!] My vocation defines my time and interests more than any cursory avocation. This is not to say that I am limited and somehow have to embody some vague, domestic, barefoot and pregnant culinary icon. This cause, my family, my vocation . . . this is what makes me most free. Perhaps, the person who gives of her time, abilities, and resources in one area may look as if she has said "no" to a host of other options. Really, she has said "yes" to something (or some persons in the case of a vocation to marriage & family) much more profound than a dilettante's brief romances with sundry people, concepts, and things. My vocation is my path to holiness. It is a life-long love story with all the adventure, trials, triumphs, and sense of accomplishment I could desire.

I am not asked, fortunately, to become this "hero" on my own or within a short span of time. I have One who is Perfect to guide me, and He has infinite patience with my infinitesimal daily progress. Heroism isn't a sprint to the finish line for most of us; it is an epic journey. I wish you each bon voyage and, as the Spanish so beautifully say, vaya con Dios!

What are heroes made of?

Recently, I decided that I really needed a good "brain candy" book to read. [Brain candy = easy, quick read with just enough substance to keep you interested but not enough to make your brain tired by following intriguing pathways of thought for hours afterward.] I choose to re-read Ender's Game, a story about a downtrodden young boy of extraordinary intelligence who goes to space-battle school and saves the world [like Harry Potter minus the hokus-pokus and mythological cliches]. Ender's teachers must accomplish an usual task--train a hero. Training a future hero and training a commander are two distinct tasks. The former is a matter of character and virtue; the later a combination of technical and leadership skills. So what makes a hero?

A hero is a servant leader who believes that personal sacrifice, independent thought, and consistent dedication to a cause are necessary elements of life.

First, he (or she) leads through service. Gratification of the ego is neither the goal nor the springboard for social networking and personal action. It is only by reaching outside of himself that he affirms and encourages others to achieve personal excellence. He knows his own abilities and his own weaknesses (the proper definition of humility according to C.S. Lewis in his The Four Loves); this honest self-knowledge helps him to know others.

Following upon that relationship with those whom he serves (and leads), a hero's life is never comfortable. You don't see Mother Teresa sipping martinis in a posh armchair as she regales others with tales of the squalor of the Indian ghettos. The best leaders, like David's general Uriah, refuse special treatment. Uriah, in 2 Sam 11:11 declares, "The servants of my lord are camping in the open field; shall I then go to my house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do this thing." A hero sleeps less, eats less, dresses less richly, and sacrifices other comforts for the sake of others. Like Shakespeare's Henry V, the good leader goes over and beyond what is required to care for others, to grant them "a touch of Harry in the night."

A leader must also be an independent and innovative thinker. Thinking with the crowd has never enabled someone to rise above the common man and become a hero. Solving disputes with justice rather than emotion, planning for success when failure looms at the door, creatively using resources to make the best of a bad situation, committing to a course of action or ideal when others want to temporize . . . these are the mental qualities of a leader. I've heard of notable cynics, but never a famous, lukewarm relativist. (Even the well-known cynics committed to an ideal and thought uniquely; it was just through a negation rather than an affirmation of a world view.) Heroes are the lights in dark times who inspire men to think and act beyond the limited sphere of their daily lives.

Finally, an unflagging dedication to a worthy cause marks a man with heroism. So many people in our world limit their fidelity to a cause to a few bucks in the missionary's offering basket, to a "fan" page link on Facebook, or to a membership to a "members only" coupon list. I can only be so harsh, because too often I find myself falling into that trap of surface support. If one is truly dedicated to a truth, a way of life, a culture, a religion, an avocation or a vocation, then one should pursue it ardently and perseveringly. Half-hearted attempts are rarely the "stuff" of epics, or heroes. Odysseus doesn't just "kinda try" to get home [though my students may argue this point], and Saint George doesn't just put the dragon in time out. A hero completes his quest and defeats all that oppose and harm the good.

True heroism is rare. Ender was isolated from true bonds of friendship in order to keep him independent from their negative influence and from the lazy habits of non-innovative group think. He was systematically deprived of sleep and a regular routine to strengthen his resilience to comfort. Ender also was psychologically manipulated into defending a cause (a world, really), while he often was more concerned with his personal thoughts, goals, and survival. He was generally good, but I'm not sure he was a true hero. However, I think that each of us can choose to pursue heroism, and I think we have a trainer that is far superior to Ender's.

[See next post, since this one has already advanced you toward heroism just by reading it . . . way too long. Sorry.]

Comfort, Comfort O' My People . . .

My month old son recently decided that his changing table is his happy place. Only there has he ever smiled purposely at me, and that's where he does most of "happy talking." When, he's upset, sometimes we can set him down there and he's instantly calm. The other day, my husband did just that and then sadly exclaimed, "My son loves the changing table more than me!" Our son's occasional preference for a terry covered pad over our loving arms seems absurd to us. Yet, I wonder if our choices don't seem equally absurd to Our Heavenly Father at times.

So often we chose lesser comforts and baser joys than what God has to offer us. We turn to a warm cup of coffee, scented candles, a hot bath, or a good run to relax us and then whine that we don't have enough time for prayer or that we can't feel God's Presence in our stress-filled lives. God must shake His head at us, knowing that His Word has the perfect thing we need to hear and His hands are ready to give us the "peace that passes understanding," if we would only ask. But we are happy on our changing table instead.
We are body and soul, and sometimes our bodies need a physical action to help them be relieved from stress. But my encouragement to you (and myself!) today is to bring Christ to your leisure. Read Scripture as you sip your coffee instead of zoning out in front of a style show that makes you want to drop a size and buy a pair of killer $150 jeans. Talk to God and place your cares at His wounded feet as you finally get that hot shower or refreshing jog. Find quiet, and don't forget to invite the One who fills the quiet with His comforting voice.

Thoughts? How do we ignore the divine comfort and strength that is offered us constantly?

[NOTE: Here are some relevant exhortations of the Holy Father on this!]