Motherhood: A vocation to love

To bring Michele's beautiful reflections to the gritty streets of real life . . .

I've never been a "baby person"--the type of girl who sweeps every newborn in a 1 mile radius into her arms and coos with them for hours. The extensive contact with uncontrolled bodily fluids was never the appealing side of motherhood. I, however, love older children and teenagers and was vaguely informed by my mom that "it's different when you have your own babies."

That being said, I have always been intrigued by the vocation of motherhood. The radical receptivity to life and unconditional sacrifice required in this feminine calling is so diametrically opposed to the hedonistic power-game that most women in our society seemed to desire. I'm a rebel at heart--to create a domestic world in which to raise souls and minds and in this to find one's own path to heaven . . . how different from the "what do you want to be when you grow up" career-driven vision that was hawked to us girls as early as 1st grade at school.

Last month I became a mom of a real, squirming, pooping human being. My mom was right, it is different when it's your own child. I never could have foreseen the full psychological and spiritual implications of a being that is knit together from your own DNA, is a real part of you, and yet is a totally unique created being and child of God. My mom told me that baby mess is like cleaning up your own . . . not a big deal. So, maybe I expected some sort of equal treatment--I feed baby when he's hungry because I would feed myself when I'm hungry. Yet, motherhood is much more.

Motherhood is the physical exercise of redemptive suffering. I make sacrifices for my baby's comfort and well-being that are beyond the sacrifices I would make for my own comfort and, indeed, are often in opposition to what my own body would desire for its comfort. And yet, in the middle of tiredness, a sore body, and a reeling mind as I try to grasp all of the duties of my new state in life, I have stumbled upon a profound peace, joy, and love.

I have found peace in the hours I spend nourishing my little one with my own body. The traditional icon of the pelican and its young has become particularly poignant for me. I am able to use the time for prayer, reading, journal writing, and general reflection. I usually run my life on full steam, and I struggle to slow my schedule enough to meditate on Scripture and enter into deeper prayer, and that's assuming I can quiet my mind when I do stop! In giving of my time, time for my deepest needs has been given back to me.

I have found joy in receptivity. Quips about a joyful life being founded on an "attitude of gratitude" are, like many proverbs, startlingly true. My husband has revealed to me so much of the depth of his love as he looks for ways to help and assist me. His words of affirmation and his spontaneous warmth and affection give me the strength to continue the 2-3 hour cycle that comprises the life of a newborn. My gratitude also extends to family and friends who have offered their love and support. Spiritually, I have acquired a gratitude for God's Providence. Not only has He given my husband and I a beautiful gift by entrusting us with this little soul, but also God has taught me something of my own infantile dependence on Him. He too sacrificed His body, His life, for me. I can do nothing well apart from Him and His strength. Pride is never the correct response, only gratitude and love.

I have found a deeper plane of love. Marriage had begun the lesson in agape--selfless love. Raising children will be Agape 201. I find that, truly, it is "in giving that we receive." and that St. Francis was right to find "perfect joy" in sacrificial love. I have been so loved by my husband and by my Lord. My little one doesn't yet know what love is, but he looks to me for his every need, and one of those needs is to learn what love is by being shown. I have received so much love and trust; how can one respond but to love in return and to love unconditionally?

I am far from perfect. I have been given a responsibility beyond my own strength. But love has never been based on human strength. The capacity for love is increased by sacrifice. The receptivity of love is enabled through humility and gratitude. The action of love is animated by divine strength and initiative. And motherhood is the feminine vocation to which I have been graciously called in which one may live one's life radically, passionately in love.